Escape

After my father left us in August Shawn found another one of those spots that he has such a talent for sniffing out - the Old Pioneer Garden Bed and Breakfast in Unionville, NV. Unionville was once a mining town and Mark Twain even spent a couple of weeks there in a miner's shack. We loaded my Jeep with our gear and the two Shepherds, Ryker and Kiri, and set out (no top and no doors!!! YEAH!) across the Stillwater Wildlife Range to get to our destination. By the time we arrived that afternoon we were literally covered in dust - the dogs were gray, we were gray but what a great ride! So much so that when the owner of the B&B pulled up and saw us I think he was having serious regrets for taking our reservation. But Mitzi and Dave Jones were the most gracious of hosts, and they have painstakingly built their cabins to reflect that time period when so many came with dreams of striking it rich. Unionville is an amazing oasis in the desert. We spent the next two days exploring the mountains, hunting for fossils and of course taking photos. Then, heartbreak!!! I realized that I had taken my card out of my camera! I know, stupid, but I have taken it so for granted that it is just THERE and I was so exhilirated to be out, with my husband, exploring areas where few people go that I didn't even stop to check. So now - we will just have to go back to get more than the 80 or so that I did get.

The first photo is of the dogs and my Jeep on a trail that had ended. The next one is of the shack that Mark Twain is supposed to have stayed in, and the last is of our "cabin" at the Old Pioneer Garden B&B - look it up and go stay if you have the chance!

Transition to Heaven

It has taken me a while to reach this point of readiness. To write about my father's death. On August 23, 2011 I sat with him and held his hand in the last hours of his life. I saw the brief look of what? Surprise, pleading, love, relief? on his face as he took his last breath. I felt he wanted to tell me one more time how much I meant to him and how proud he was of me, as he has done these last few years after he learned of what my life was really like before Shawn. And how much he loved me. When we were alone for a few moments I tried to tell him all of the things that I wouldn't get another chance at - how I was glad he had come out here, how sorry I was for the times when I was tired and didn't spend much time with him, how sorry I was that he wasn't able to stay in his own home for the last months of his life. I promised to take care of Andre, his dog, and to take him home to be next to Mickie, who passed away six years before he did.

Now I walk into his room and I wonder if there is still someone there. I tell him I hope that he found Mickie when he left us. I think he did. In the spring I will go to Texas, to the town where he was born when the bluebonnets are in bloom and I will leave a small part of him where he began and the rest will go home, where he will finally be next to Mickie again. But of course he already is.

Back on My Own Two Feet

After all of the funk that I have experienced over the last few months a few things have become very clear to me - but first and foremost is that I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. No matter what I have to get thru this mess and I will. I have been thru other bad poopy before and I survived, and I will survive this as well. I have learned that no one really wants to hear my calls for help, so I won't make them anymore. I thought that if I admitted that I was feeling lost and get over the fear of rejection that it would be better, but it didn't make a difference. So I will stand on my own, as I have done before, and I will remember that, no matter how bad things seem, someone out there has it a lot worse than I do. Despite what has happened lately the man I married is still the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are both going through big transitions in our lives and if we work hard to think of what the other is going through and not lose sight of what is most important we will make it.

I had to remind myself that I CAN do a lot on my own - it just takes the willpower to do it. I have that willpower back and I feel better about myself than I have in a long time - because I also realize that the only person I need to worry about proving myself to is me.

I will take that extra three minutes on the way to work to stop and take that photo of the lake that I keep putting off. I will remember to make myself a priority sometimes.

Loss

Today I had another argument with my husband. The man that I thought understood me, who used to know instinctively when I just needed him and would just come to me and hold me, is lost to me. Last weekend he came home from his job in Ohio to cook for a wedding and, when he wasn't ready to leave when I had to come relieve Daddy's sitter, promised me he would get a ride and make it home that night. He didn't - he chose to get inebriated instead. Now he has the Fourth of July weekend off to come home and he has offered to make an elaborate dinner at someone else's house and was impatient with me when I wouldn't commit, saying I needed to think about it - Erika had surgery on her ankle today and Daddy is coming back from another heart attack week before last. I just wanted something simple - maybe a potluck barbecue where we didn't have to prepare for hours. It is after all my three day weekend as well. When I told him he could do the dinner if he wanted to but not to count on my help he chose the dinner over his wife and family. I will be at home alone taking care of my 88 year old father and my daughter as she recuperates from surgery while he is out basking in the glory of his cooking talent and having to sleep on someone's couch again because he doesn't have the willpower to say no to a drink. I have decided I am tired of needing someone to lean on sometimes - because now if I were to do so I would fall down because there is no one there anymore. I am tired of being the "EOD-DD".

Another Phase

Yesterday Daddy had another heart attack. We didn't know it was a heart attack - just that he had been severely delusional and when he was still that way this morning with no change in his thought process I knew that there had to be something wrong. I thought it would be some sort of infection or dehydration, but I just didn't pick up the clues.

The hospital left it to me to decide to admit him for monitoring or to send him home. I chose to bring him home. If he is going to have another attack soon and leave us, it is not going to be hooked up to a bunch of wires in a strange place with a bunch of strangers coming in every half hour or so to poke and prod and ask questions.

So he is home. The medication they gave him that was meant to sedate him only caused more delusions and excitability, but at least this afternoon they were happy delusions. When I walked into his room and said hello, he smiled at me with surprise and said, "Kori, they've turned you into a frog!" I asked if I was a green frog or a brown frog and he said I was green.

Now comes the hard part - we move into the next phase of his care when he can't get to the bathroom any longer and can't remember how to hold a fork to feed himself, or how to clean himself up. He doesn't notice that I am here - he has a number of imaginary people from his past that he is talking with and doesn't really seem to hear me. And now, as I write this, he thinks that he is in the hospital with his wife Micki before she died from cancer. When I tried to help my heart broke a little more when he said, "Micki's here. She's dead, but they've made her ok, we just need to get her home."

As long as I'm a green frog I guess I'm ok with it. I'll just have to get my prince to come home and kiss me so I turn back.

End of the World

So some believe that today is "Judgment Day". Since I have no doubt that I would not be one of those chosen to be taken off this earth before the ensuing chaos begins, I have contemplated what I would have liked out of this day. First off, my husband. He isn't here and if today were it, would he make it home to me? Then my kids and grandkids - I would want them all here. Worse, I have a grand-daughter I have yet to see. What if I never got the chance? These are the things that occupy my thoughts. Then, there are the wonderful people who I have counted as friends and the experiences we have shared. So I guess that if this were it I would have to say that I have had it better than most and that my only regret would be that my family couldn't all be together for it. Maybe not good enough to save me a spot in heaven, but probably more than I deserved and definitely enough to have made me happy.

What We Take for Granted

Last week the world lost an amazing young man. Adam was one of Erika's best friends throughout our years overseas, and the two of them shared many adventures along with other friends. They went on sports trips together, shared the joys and sorrows of wins and losses, were athletes of the year together and graduated together. Although they lost touch briefly as so many kids do after graduation, they had begun talking again and sharing experiences and trying to advise the other when one of them was down.

We do not know the exact circumstances of his death - just that he apparently took his own life last Wednesday. Erika doesn't understand - they had just talked the day before and she was planning a trip to go see him and he had promised her a ride in his Mustang. And now he is gone. His family is left behind to try to put together the pieces and manage the pain that only a parent can feel at the loss of a child taken too young and a brother can feel at the loss of his hero.

We take for granted that our children will be there, that a husband or a wife or a friend will be there - and then, with no warning, they can be taken away. Love those around you - give them a hug. Never take them for granted.