Loss

Today I had another argument with my husband. The man that I thought understood me, who used to know instinctively when I just needed him and would just come to me and hold me, is lost to me. Last weekend he came home from his job in Ohio to cook for a wedding and, when he wasn't ready to leave when I had to come relieve Daddy's sitter, promised me he would get a ride and make it home that night. He didn't - he chose to get inebriated instead. Now he has the Fourth of July weekend off to come home and he has offered to make an elaborate dinner at someone else's house and was impatient with me when I wouldn't commit, saying I needed to think about it - Erika had surgery on her ankle today and Daddy is coming back from another heart attack week before last. I just wanted something simple - maybe a potluck barbecue where we didn't have to prepare for hours. It is after all my three day weekend as well. When I told him he could do the dinner if he wanted to but not to count on my help he chose the dinner over his wife and family. I will be at home alone taking care of my 88 year old father and my daughter as she recuperates from surgery while he is out basking in the glory of his cooking talent and having to sleep on someone's couch again because he doesn't have the willpower to say no to a drink. I have decided I am tired of needing someone to lean on sometimes - because now if I were to do so I would fall down because there is no one there anymore. I am tired of being the "EOD-DD".