I watch my world crash around me in a slow motion that has taken five years to build into this landslide. Am I strong enough to fight my way free or will it engulf me and drag me down? I feel my identity disappearing as I try to make the man I love understand that the path he has chosen isn't mine. I have swallowed my feelings and kept them locked up inside to try to develop the same love for the ocean that he has. When it finally broke loose before Christmas I thought he was finally listening to me and I thought that we could make a compromise. But within days of my saying it he went back to planning 'our' life on a sailboat together and it was as if I never protested the loss of everything that I wanted to do. Inside I am screaming, but on the outside I just listen to his words with a sinking heart, as I realize that there is something inside of him that just switches off. It isn't that he doesn't love me - he has shown me in so many ways that he wants me with him - he just can't accept that I don't want to live on a sailboat for the next five or ten years. All of the things that I want to do will continue to get pushed back over the years until it doesn't matter anymore - or I am dead.
Tonight I listened to the man that I love more than he will ever know accuse me of not caring that he was risking his life to support me. So it is time to let him off the hook. No more supporting me. I will support myself. And I hope that one day he knows how much I love him. And how much I struggled, trying to figure out how to be happy in places that I felt like I was drowning.
Best wishes in fulfilling all of your dreams my love.
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