The Lasting Effects of Alzheimer's Disease

   The other night Shawn and I were watching a show where an elderly lady with Alzheimer's was serving a prison sentence.  She had become a problem for the guards and had hurt herself.  Towards the end they packed her up in a van.  Someone asked where they were taking her and another person said, "The bus station."  They were giving her a "compassionate release".  It hit me - hard.  I was indignant, turning to Shawn and asking him if that is what they (meaning prisons) really do.  Next thing I knew I was crying so hard it didn't seem I would stop.  

Lately anything that brings back memories of my grandmother and my father have affected me deeply.  Is it because this year marks 25 years since my grandmother died and I still don't know exactly what happened to her in her last days or where she is?

My father died from complications from Alzheimer's in 2011.  In his last months we had to take him from his home, against his will, to come live with us in Nevada.  It was the hardest thing I have done.  I felt guilty for taking him away from his home, his dogs, the things that were familiar to him, and knowing that it was the only choice other than a nursing home didn't make it any easier.  And there were also the days where I was so tired, so depressed with the struggle of his care, that I thought of giving up and putting him into one.  But I didn't.  And on his last day I sat with him and held his hand until he slipped away, thankful that I was able to be there and hopeful that it meant something to him.

My grandmother's story is much more complicated, but she had Alzheimer's as well.  Unlike my father, who was obstinate and ornery as hell most of the time, my grandmother was gentle and meek all of her life.  After her death I remembered trying to take her out in the spring to see the flowers and get her out of the house, only to have my mother put a stop to it, saying it "agitated her."  I didn't see how, but as always, I gave in to my mom, as I had most of my life.  And to this day I wish I had stood up for myself, and my grandmother, who I never knew was fighting for me in everything she did until it was too late to tell her thank you.

So this disease haunts me.  Not just because I am scared as hell that I will end up with it, but because of all of the questions, and the guilt, and the hope and despair that it imprints on those of us who watch it ravage a loved one.  Our elderly deserve better - our parents and our grandparents who end up unable to live their last days as they had wished because this disease takes it all away from them.  We need to push harder to understand Alzheimer's and we need to push harder to find solutions, and cures.

We need to make Alzheimer's disease go away, to be forgotten and wiped out just like the memories of its victims.