The last few days have been increasingly saddening to me as I realize more of the changes taking place in my father. Sunday we planned an outing to the dog park, hoping for the nice weather to continue that we had last week. I have been extremely fortunate the last few weeks to be in places where the sun was shining and the temperatures were in the 70s and 80s, giving me hope for the spring. Well, the weather didn't cooperate but we decided to go anyway and take all of the dogs. We got there and due to the wind Daddy didn't really want to get out of the car. This is when I got the first inkling of what has been going on the past few weeks when he has been so protective of his dog. After all of the dogs, including his, had been running around and having a blast for a few minutes I went over to check on Daddy and see if he was ready to get out yet. He asked me if I was planning on leaving Andre there! And he asked a few more times, even after he came out and joined us. Then he wouldn't let the poor dog go - held it in his lap and kept a death grip on it. After a while he said he was going to go back to the car, but not without his dog. I finally realized what all of the night checks have been about when he wakes us up asking where Andre is - he has convinced himself we are going to get rid of his dog behind his back. Then tonight the questions about his money and if he has any left. It breaks my heart to know how much his disease has caused him not to trust me. And there is nothing I can do.
The photo represents this fading - I took it in Germany at the prison camp at Dachau a few years ago and it seems to represent what is happening here - the feeling that somewhere the ghosts are waiting to be heard, to tell their stories. Somewhere in my father is that ghost. The horizontal flat areas on the ground are all that are left of the buildings that once held so many lives and saw so many pass in one of the most shameful moments in human history. Just as we should never forget what happened here, please let me never forget my father's stories.
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