Birthday Thoughts

There is nothing that makes a person feel more lonely than to be left alone on your birthday. With my husband gone I thought maybe I would hear from some of our local friends - especially those who knew that Shawn was leaving yesterday, who would care enough to call and wish me a good day. But I heard nothing, even from one person who sold him my birthday present on Friday. That really hurts, especially when this person talks to Shawn on a regular, almost daily basis. So I guess "our friends" really translates into "his friends" and I am just included because I happen to be there.

So yeah, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. With my dad here, and Shawn gone, and the limitations that puts on me, I can't even go out and have lunch with Erika or anything, so here I sit.

Happy Birthday to me...

Tribute

Although the forecast says we may get some clouds and rain today, for at least right now it is a gorgeous day outside. The fact that I went outside a while ago and found that Kyrie had dug up one of my rosebushes and chewed on it didn't make me happy, because each one of my roses represents someone in my life who has or had cancer, and I have tried to choose the colors based on each persons personality. This was Nellie's rose, a fiery Puerto Rican friend who lived across from us in Sicily. She was great fun, but fiercely protective of her family. We shared more than a couple of bottles of great Italian wine together. She was taken by breast cancer two years ago. The fact that for the last two years I have thought that Nellie's rose had not survived the winter/dogs/critters only to dig down and find new growth was only testament to her spirit.

The photo above is of Nellie and her husband Rick. They have big grins on their faces despite the fact that the task they were working on was cleaning their house out after we were flooded in 2005. Our area of housing was fortunate - we got less than three feet of water inside our homes and while we were all living upstairs for two days waiting for the water to go down, Nellie crawled out an upstairs window onto the carport roof and pretended to do the breast stroke.

Empty Nest

So many changes these last few months! Moving my dad in, Shawn's retirement and now my last baby prepares to leave the nest. Brandon has decided to move to Reno so that he is closer to school and has also found a job there. Within a week or so he'll be gone as well. It leaves me wondering if I have taken on too much - with Shawn taking a job that will have him away most of the time and Brandon moved out I wonder at my ability to hold down a full time job, take care of my father AND everything at the house - birds, cars, garden, minor household emergencies. I won't even be able to go for groceries without arranging a caretaker.

I have realized what a lucky mother I have been. My kids have, despite early traumas and their mother's interference, turned out to be good people. While they have given me a few gray hairs they have avoided drug, alcohol or legal problems, and they have good hearts and morals. Brandon, being the last one to go, has been a huge help with his grandfather - getting up at night when he heard him moving about, staying home with him so I could run a few errands on the weekends, even offering to stay up on a couple of exceptionally long nights so that I could get some sleep before I had to go to work. At 19, he amazes me. And now it is his turn to fly. I hope, I know, he will soar. I can't help but hope that his winds won't carry him too far away from me. The hardest part of the military life we lead was the distance it took us from loved ones. But what a wonderful adventure it was - and if we instilled the desire to see more in our kids, who would I be if I tried to hold them too close?

How do other people do this? Can I maintain a positive outlook or will I fall victim to depression? What if high winds blow the shingles off? I hate heights. What if I break down? There won't be anyone to call for help. I know there will be times I will want to scream in frustration - and maybe that's what I'll do! Just walk to the back of our property and yell out my frustration so that I can come back in and laugh at myself. Because of one thing there is no doubt in my mind - if I can find the humor in everything to come I'll make it through. And well, if the neighbors here me yelling and call the cops I'm sure I can convince them that I am working to retain my sanity.

And hey, I'm better off than our neighbor, whose mother has called the sheriff twice to report that he was abusing her - the reason the first time? Because he wouldn't let her have more than one glass of wine. Hey, if I can't have wine when I'm that age I'll probably feel abused too.

At least Daddy doesn't know where the phone is...

Birth, Death & April Fools

This first day of April has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I have a new grand-daughter! Her name is Madison Chanel Lynn and she came into this world at 1:46 pm Eastern time after more than 15 hours of labor and an eventual c-section, weighing in at 7lbs and 15ozs and 20 inches! Not shortly after another lady I work with also announced that she, too, had a new grand-daughter as well, but at the same time we received word that another fellow employee had passed away in his sleep last night. As new life was preparing to come into this world an older one was preparing to leave. As I rejoice another family is in mourning.

This first day of April was glorious and as I came home I looked forward to going outside and preparing my planting areas a bit in the warmth, but I hadn't been out very long when Daddy called for me and announced that he needed to discuss something with me. My anticipation to enjoy this beautiful afternoon turned to a sinking feeling as once again he talked about not being a burden to us, wanting to see his dogs and asking how long I thought it would take him to "drive back home." And of course having to come up with the half truths and false promises that would keep him from becoming too upset. I hate this part - knowing that he will not be able to go home, yet giving the hope that he might do so. And yes, there was resentment as well - with the further realization that I will no longer have the time to call my own when I can go out as I please and play in the garden. The discussion went on for hours and I watched the light fading as my heart also sank. I know that this was the right thing, and while I knew that there would be sacrifices, I didn't realize that I would also have to give up the smallest of pleasures too. And now I feel selfish - I AM the April fool today.

Sun & Sadness

The last few days have been increasingly saddening to me as I realize more of the changes taking place in my father. Sunday we planned an outing to the dog park, hoping for the nice weather to continue that we had last week. I have been extremely fortunate the last few weeks to be in places where the sun was shining and the temperatures were in the 70s and 80s, giving me hope for the spring. Well, the weather didn't cooperate but we decided to go anyway and take all of the dogs. We got there and due to the wind Daddy didn't really want to get out of the car. This is when I got the first inkling of what has been going on the past few weeks when he has been so protective of his dog. After all of the dogs, including his, had been running around and having a blast for a few minutes I went over to check on Daddy and see if he was ready to get out yet. He asked me if I was planning on leaving Andre there! And he asked a few more times, even after he came out and joined us. Then he wouldn't let the poor dog go - held it in his lap and kept a death grip on it. After a while he said he was going to go back to the car, but not without his dog. I finally realized what all of the night checks have been about when he wakes us up asking where Andre is - he has convinced himself we are going to get rid of his dog behind his back. Then tonight the questions about his money and if he has any left. It breaks my heart to know how much his disease has caused him not to trust me. And there is nothing I can do.

The photo represents this fading - I took it in Germany at the prison camp at Dachau a few years ago and it seems to represent what is happening here - the feeling that somewhere the ghosts are waiting to be heard, to tell their stories. Somewhere in my father is that ghost. The horizontal flat areas on the ground are all that are left of the buildings that once held so many lives and saw so many pass in one of the most shameful moments in human history. Just as we should never forget what happened here, please let me never forget my father's stories.

The Next Phase

How do you explain all of the mixed feelings that go with a retirement? After 22 years as an EOD tech in the United States Navy, Shawn has retired. As I watched him listening to the words being spoken about him at his ceremony I could see a tear or two, and I knew he was reflecting, as I was, on all of the wonderful, terrible, proud, fearful moments that were experienced as we moved thru deployments, separations, robberies, hellos, goodbyes, natural disasters and losses of some of his brethren in the community that we have known for so long.

Now we move on to another chapter. It seems strange that I am no longer 'the Senior Chief's wife", although I know that I will always be an 'EOD wife'. The friends that we have made in our travels, the wonders we have seen, will be with us always.

Thank you, Shawn, for a wonderful adventure. I love you.

Joshua Tree

I was sent to the Marine base at Twentynine Palms to work for a week and a half. The entrance to Joshua Tree National Park was only about five miles from my hotel, so on my free weekend I took my camera, got some water and snacks, and headed out for a day of indulgence. I fell in love with the place. I hiked where I wanted, took as many photos as I could and made a vow to return. I returned with a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time.