Caught in a Landslide

I watch my world crash around me in a slow motion that has taken five years to build into this landslide.  Am I strong enough to fight my way free or will it engulf me and drag me down?  I feel my identity disappearing as I try to make the man I love understand that the path he has chosen isn't mine.  I have swallowed my feelings and kept them locked up inside to try to develop the same love for the ocean that he has.  When it finally broke loose before Christmas I thought he was finally listening to me and I thought that we could make a compromise.  But within days of my saying it he went back to planning 'our' life on a sailboat together and it was as if I never protested the loss of everything that I wanted to do.    Inside I am screaming, but on the outside I just listen to his words with a sinking heart, as I realize that there is something inside of him that just switches off.  It isn't that he doesn't love me - he has shown me in so many ways that he wants me with him - he just can't accept that I don't want to live on a sailboat for the next five or ten years.  All of the things that I want to do will continue to get pushed back over the years until it doesn't matter anymore - or I am dead.

Tonight I listened to the man that I love more than he will ever know accuse me of not caring that he was risking his life to support me.  So it is time to let him off the hook.  No more supporting me.  I will support myself.  And I hope that one day he knows how much I love him.  And how much I struggled, trying to figure out how to be happy in places that I felt like I was drowning.

Best wishes in fulfilling all of your dreams my love.

The Lasting Effects of Alzheimer's Disease

   The other night Shawn and I were watching a show where an elderly lady with Alzheimer's was serving a prison sentence.  She had become a problem for the guards and had hurt herself.  Towards the end they packed her up in a van.  Someone asked where they were taking her and another person said, "The bus station."  They were giving her a "compassionate release".  It hit me - hard.  I was indignant, turning to Shawn and asking him if that is what they (meaning prisons) really do.  Next thing I knew I was crying so hard it didn't seem I would stop.  

Lately anything that brings back memories of my grandmother and my father have affected me deeply.  Is it because this year marks 25 years since my grandmother died and I still don't know exactly what happened to her in her last days or where she is?

My father died from complications from Alzheimer's in 2011.  In his last months we had to take him from his home, against his will, to come live with us in Nevada.  It was the hardest thing I have done.  I felt guilty for taking him away from his home, his dogs, the things that were familiar to him, and knowing that it was the only choice other than a nursing home didn't make it any easier.  And there were also the days where I was so tired, so depressed with the struggle of his care, that I thought of giving up and putting him into one.  But I didn't.  And on his last day I sat with him and held his hand until he slipped away, thankful that I was able to be there and hopeful that it meant something to him.

My grandmother's story is much more complicated, but she had Alzheimer's as well.  Unlike my father, who was obstinate and ornery as hell most of the time, my grandmother was gentle and meek all of her life.  After her death I remembered trying to take her out in the spring to see the flowers and get her out of the house, only to have my mother put a stop to it, saying it "agitated her."  I didn't see how, but as always, I gave in to my mom, as I had most of my life.  And to this day I wish I had stood up for myself, and my grandmother, who I never knew was fighting for me in everything she did until it was too late to tell her thank you.

So this disease haunts me.  Not just because I am scared as hell that I will end up with it, but because of all of the questions, and the guilt, and the hope and despair that it imprints on those of us who watch it ravage a loved one.  Our elderly deserve better - our parents and our grandparents who end up unable to live their last days as they had wished because this disease takes it all away from them.  We need to push harder to understand Alzheimer's and we need to push harder to find solutions, and cures.

We need to make Alzheimer's disease go away, to be forgotten and wiped out just like the memories of its victims.

Social Conscious and My Responsibility

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had written on my blog.  I thought for sure that I would write something deep yet entertaining when I turned 50 last April.  When the day came though my heart just wasn't it.  There were too many things going on in my life that had turned it upside down, but that is not a story for this blog but my other one "Stories From Someone Who Isn't Famous".

What brings me back today was a presentation I heard recently.  It was about saving our beaches and the wildlife that makes them home.  The garbage that washes up that will be there for years is almost unimaginable.  The figures that she presented just from one areas' cleanup efforts were in the hundreds of thousands in terms of trash - 466,000 cigarette butts in the Monterey beach area alone.

She also discussed the different ways that local wildlife is affected by the garbage that we produce.  Nothing I can say here can get the point across better than this video:  http://blog.oceanconservancy.org/2013/03/28/midway-film-tells-story-of-plastics-in-our-ocean-through-plight-of-albatross/

It will break your heart.

So what can I do?  What can WE all do?  Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot, but along with my camera I took a couple of other things to the beach: some gloves and a trash bag.  And as I took my pictures I picked up the items that littered the beach and carried them off of the beach.  And I made a more conscious effort to avoid plastic water bottles.  Because of where we have our house in Nevada, we have to drink bottled water.  So we have always taken our gallon jugs and refilled them as long as it was sanitary to do so.  And when I bought the smaller bottles of water I made an effort to reuse those bottles as well for a couple of days.  I even looked for ways to reuse them AFTER I reused them - cutting the tops off and using them to cover seedlings in the garden - like a miniature greenhouse.  But we still have to do more.  We have to cut out plastic getting into our oceans or land areas where birds will mistake it for a food source and end up dying a slow death after ingesting enough of it.

Then, the saddest part of all.  This seal had been on the beach for months, but the closest I had been to it was to try to keep Kiri and Ryker from a close inspection of the poor creature.  But this time I did get closer and I found that it too, had been a victim of men.   Maybe even intentionally.  And I am angry.  Are you?

NOW:

These are the only things that we should find on our beach.  Please consider becoming part of a cleanup - a beach, a desert, a park, a river, a highway.  Anything.  And think about keeping a pair of gloves and a trash bag with you when you go out to enjoy these places.  I am.

This and That

After the purchase of our sailboat we spent our first available weekend picking up a few items for her and to take her out on a checkout run together.  It was a beautiful day for it.

Ryker and Kiri went along too, wearing their very own doggie life jackets.  Kiri doesn't really care for hers - maybe it isn't in the right princess colors for our spoiled little girl.  Both dogs did great though, eventually settling down on the cushions and watching the sights.

Never having sailed before, I have to admit that I was a bit nervous at the thought of all of the freighter traffic that travels through the bay area.  It was right around this time that a sailboat tried to make it between a freighter and its tug.  The sailboat lost.

On our way back in we were able to assist another couple in a sailboat that had become disabled.  Strangely enough, they had also just bought their boat two weeks before (paying a bit more than we did) and it was their first time out that day too!  We towed them back to their slip and they kindly thanked us with a very nice card as well as a gift card for a meal at a steakhouse.  It was much more than was necessary, after all, who knows when we might be in need of help?

Even though the wind wasn't very cooperative on our first day out, it was a fantastic day with a great ending.

Here's to Friends, Family and Starting a New Year

 At the holidays nothing is better than spending time with family and great friends.  We were blessed to be able to do both this year -  and since the Mayan calendar ended and no one knew if our time was up it was another reason to celebrate!  Shawn came home for the holidays and we had a whirlwind week of getting a tree and getting it decorated, dinners with friends and of course Christmas.  These are the times that are cherished.

Shawn had to be back at work on January 2, so we headed back to Monterey on New Year's Eve.  We didn't go out and party it up, so we were up early enough and had the energy to take a hike up Fremont Peak with the dogs on New Year's Day.  Much better than nursing a hangover all day!

Shawn's love of the water has re-emerged with his assignments on the coast of California.  After seeing a friends' sailboat he got the itch to sail.  I have never sailed but spent plenty of time on Daddy's speedboats and love the water.  Although I didn't expect to actually buy a boat so soon we found the Corlis - a 27' Catalina that was well-loved by her previous owners, who were selling her since the father is no longer physically able to handle her due to illness.  We had her hauled out and she checked out beautifully.  We had considered keeping her name to honor the family that we bought her from, but Shawn's grandmother passed away soon after, so in her memory we will hold a ceremony and rename our little beauty "Elenore".  May she show as much spunk as her namesake.

Splittin' My Time

 

  

Since I quit working full time in early summer of this year I have tried to balance my time between Nevada and California.  It can be quite a juggling act, leaving me feeling guilty sometimes no matter which way I go.  Brandon has been great about taking on the job of taking care of the dogs while I traipse around California, and Erika has filled in occasionally even though she now lives with her boyfriend, Jordan (pictured above).  So when I am in Fallon and one of the kids invites me to take part in something I try to do it.

In September Jordan took part in a roping event in Reno with a horse he has been training, Callie.  I have never been to anything like this and it is a new "culture" exposure for me.  I really enjoyed myself!  I took a LOT of photos of this new venue, and to be honest, not a lot of them were noteworthy.  It was good practice, though, and something I would like to explore.  The "cowboy" life seems to be full of hard-working people who all know each other and greet each other as old friends.  The first photo above is of Jordan warming Callie up before their event, the event itself, and then of Erika and Callie outside the arena.  I think that this straightforward lifestyle seems to suit her and she and Jordan seem to be good to each other.

One of the opportunities I am trying to take advantage of while in California is to visit the various Spanish missions up and down the coastal areas.  During a trip back to Monterey with Shawn the transfer case on our Dodge came apart right as we got into San Juan Bautista on Hwy 88.  While waiting for the tow truck I noticed signs for a mission there.  After doing a little bit of research I decided that this would be the first one I would visit and went back a couple of days later in the Volvo while Shawn was working.  San Juan Bautista is a very cute little town, but I will have to go back again when I don't have the dogs with me.  I did get to explore the mission and surrounding grounds though.  I love the architecture and the simplicity of these old buildings.

The next weekend Shawn and I went to Carmel to see the San Carlos Borromeo de Carmelo mission or simply, Carmel Mission.  This was the second mission built in California, and one of the more well-known to tourists.  This mission was almost completely destroyed when restoration was begun in 1921, and is currently undergoing more work as well.  I will hope to return after the scaffolding is gone!  For more info on this mission see:
http://www.missionscalifornia.com/keyfacts/san-carlos-borremeo-de-carmelo.html

TIme at Home

Over the summer Shawn and I divided up our time between California and Fallon.  As much as I love the ocean our place in the desert is where I feel peace.  I love the wide-openness - the light as the sun comes up over the Stillwater range or goes down to the west, especially when it is cloudy and it gives that special light to the trees behind the house.  And then the stars!  Walking out on our deck at night and looking up at the sky where no city light dims the show, while the only sound is a slight breeze rustling the leaves in the cottonwoods.  

Fallon has a fabulous arts council and we have concerts here that are extraordinary.  I am sure that people are surprised at the variety of high quality performers that come to our little town.  They also have wonderful exhibits.  One of these was a collection of antique gas pumps.  Maybe that doesn't sound like art - but some of these machines and their workings are extremely interesting.  This was one of the first times that Shawn was able to attend a show in quite a while.   

As summer drew towards its inevitable end Shawn and I had our first job as Silver State Blasting Solutions!  In September we spent a week in Oregon at the Klamath National Wildlife Refuge doing experimental field trials to determine if we could successfully build a section of river through the marsh.  It was a success!  It was FUN!  And best of all - we did it together.